Funny Jokes - Page 7

mudseeker · 03-01-2009, 05:32 AM

hahaha, ya bunch of comedians.

bradrhale · 03-01-2009, 06:07 AM

i know, i know. dont quit your day job.

mudseeker · 03-01-2009, 06:15 AM

oh, and crab, i broke both the lawn tractors trying to play tug-of-war with dumpy.

leolkfrm · 03-01-2009, 06:35 AM

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!!

mudseeker · 05-29-2009, 05:14 PM

THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING RAISED IN TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the roadwith their feet in the air.

A peanut patty is candy. Cow patties ain't candy.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas , plus a couple noone's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

'Twiced' is a word.

People actually grow and eat okra

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.'There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and youstart drinking it when you're two. We do like a littletea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I knoweverything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because itdoesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas..

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go tothe store.'

You install security lights on your house andgarage and leave both unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper,Tabasco and ketchup.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past timeknown as 'goin' to Wally-World.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is goodpinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola orpop. . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . .if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forwardthem to your friends from Texas (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be from Texas.You might say it's a gift from God!

And the most important thing we learn growing up in TEXAS is...

IN GOD WE TRUST

bradrhale · 05-29-2009, 05:20 PM

sad thing is, all of them apply to me. but i dont say cokes. i refer to them as sody (long O) waters. i would like to add to that my son got his first taste of tea from a bottle. got his first bar-b-que rib when he was 5 months old.

'Backwards and forwards' means I knoweverything about you!

we also know you like the back of our hands.

crabtruck · 05-29-2009, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bradrhale

we also know you like the back of our hands.

'course unless you're a girlie-man,

the place you say is the back of your hand
is really the front.

Try walking with the "back of your hand"
towards behind you and you'll see.

bradrhale · 05-31-2009, 07:17 PM

true, nevertheless, it is far better than knowing another man backwards and forwards, or inside and out.

NonGoggleGuy · 06-05-2009, 11:42 AM

A joke I heard about Texas when I visited Alaska:

If you split Alaska in half, Texas would be the third largest state.

Also, if they caught a smaller-than-normal salmon in Alaska, they called it a "Texas-sized salmon."

mudseeker · 07-25-2009, 08:35 PM

THE DUCK IS DEAD……….

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

03-01-2009, 06:35 AM	#64
leolkfrm Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: N.Y. Posts: 4,927	Caution... They Walk Among Us! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! *They walk amongst us!* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' They walk among us!!* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff' *They Walk Among Us!!* --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. *They Walk Among Us!!!!* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk. *They Walk Among Us!!!!!* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... *They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! * ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.) *They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. ***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!! __________________ 4 wheels move the body 2 wheels move the soul B.W.A.I

06-05-2009, 11:42 AM	#69
NonGoggleGuy Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: New York State Posts: 267	A joke I heard about Texas when I visited Alaska: If you split Alaska in half, Texas would be the third largest state. Also, if they caught a smaller-than-normal salmon in Alaska, they called it a "Texas-sized salmon." __________________ Bored? Check out Project: Wreck. But only if you're really bored. - The NonGoggleGuy - I'm unbelievable... believe me.

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03-01-2009, 05:32 AM	#61
mudseeker Senior Moderator Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: michigan Posts: 7,155	hahaha, ya bunch of comedians.

03-01-2009, 06:07 AM	#62
bradrhale Senior Moderator Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 9,536	i know, i know. dont quit your day job.

03-01-2009, 06:15 AM	#63
mudseeker Senior Moderator Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: michigan Posts: 7,155	oh, and crab, i broke both the lawn tractors trying to play tug-of-war with dumpy.

05-29-2009, 05:14 PM	#65
mudseeker Senior Moderator Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: michigan Posts: 7,155	THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING RAISED IN TEXAS Armadillos sleep in the middle of the roadwith their feet in the air. A peanut patty is candy. Cow patties ain't candy. There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas , plus a couple noone's seen before. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. 'Twiced' is a word. People actually grow and eat okra 'Fixinto' is one word. There is no such thing as 'lunch.'There is only dinner and then supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and youstart drinking it when you're two. We do like a littletea with our sugar! 'Backwards and forwards' means I knoweverything about you! Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch because itdoesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas.. You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to'A/C' in the same day. 'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go tothe store.' You install security lights on your house andgarage and leave both unlocked. Yes, Friday night high school football is serious football! You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car. There are only four spices: salt, pepper,Tabasco and ketchup. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.' We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,still Summer and Christmas. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past timeknown as 'goin' to Wally-World.' A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is goodpinto-bean weather. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola orpop. . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?' Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . .if our mama says we can drive, we can drive. If you understand these jokes please forwardthem to your friends from Texas (and those who just wish they were). EVERYONE can't be from Texas.You might say it's a gift from God! And the most important thing we learn growing up in TEXAS is... IN GOD WE TRUST

05-29-2009, 05:20 PM	#66
bradrhale Senior Moderator Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 9,536	sad thing is, all of them apply to me. but i dont say cokes. i refer to them as sody (long O) waters. i would like to add to that my son got his first taste of tea from a bottle. got his first bar-b-que rib when he was 5 months old. 'Backwards and forwards' means I knoweverything about you! we also know you like the back of our hands.

05-31-2009, 07:17 PM	#68
bradrhale Senior Moderator Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 9,536	true, nevertheless, it is far better than knowing another man backwards and forwards, or inside and out.

07-25-2009, 08:35 PM	#70
mudseeker Senior Moderator Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: michigan Posts: 7,155	THE DUCK IS DEAD………. A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."